Dear.......

I recently watched this movie (for the 5th or 6th time) and it seriously spoke to me. This movie was about four friends who hold a serious bond. I envied the bond in which they shared, I've never had friends like that, I've never had a bond like that. I've always wanted and needed friends like that but.... I mean the Bible says not 2B envious of others but is it that bad (wrong even) to not really be envious but rather to long for what they have without actually wanting it, to the point of stealing, murder etc. Well besides the bond/friendship that they portrayed in this movie, I discovered a lot about myself.

From the character of Lena, I discovered how much I actually hide the most special, amazing , beautiful parts of myself away, instead of showing them off. Through her I realized that I'm even more of a hopeless romantic than I thought. I found that I block ppl out from the deepest parts of who I am, even though I want to let certain ones in, but I'm far to afraid of the hurt and pain that may come as a result of opening up my heart.

From the character of Bridgett I saw the outward me, always energetic, always smiling, always wanting fun. But with Bridgett I also found that I act without thinking things through sometimes and then feel deep pain/embarrassment when it backfires. This character showed me that I present a lot of my fun side because I'm terrified to need anyone. I truly am scared of needing to rely on someone. It scares me to think of what it would be like to have someone who I could need and who needed me back in such a way as to want to protect me while not needing me to be their protector in return. If that makes any sense at all!!! I realized that I have a tendency to believe that things /events are being used by me to try and fill the void that I have deep within my soul. I try and make myself feel complete , cause I know I don't dare rely on another person to heal my internal wounds. From this character I took away a respect for the power of my inner strength.

From Tibby I learned to be unique. I know I am unique and that there is no one like me but my uniqueness is an attitude, a characteristic, Tibby's is an outward expression of her individuality. I mean this character has blue streaks in her hair. I learned through Tibby that maybe by linking all the excellent little things in my life together everything that worries me will turn out fine. I just have to get through all of the nonsense and power on and eventually I will find the happiness and completion I am longing for.

I truly identified with the character of Carmen. Well for starters she is not a size four! She like me is like a size 12/14. She is longing for acceptance into a world that she needs. I am like that! I allow people to walk all over me without an outward fight. I like her am being shredded to pieces inside but don't let it show to anyone so that while I'm actually crumbling on the inside, I like her am smiling and singing on the outside. As a trained psychologist I can see I have problems emotionally but Its hard to fix them or even work through them by myself. However as I've said I think i am truly unable to open up to anyone else. Carmen taught me to be happy about who I am even when I'm not excepted by others. Also I learned to push till the ones I need acceptance from either except me or I move on.

From all of these characters I learned that although things don't always happen the way we plan they will turn out OK!............... You know I know that it will be OK in the back of my head but sometimes my heart doesn't get the message and it aches.

OK so I'm better now.... I think. I mean I got over the Cathy thing and now we are talking just not like we used to but that's OK. However now I am experiencing a whole nother type of upset. I had just gotten over everything and was enjoying life when my parents decided to take in two little kids. Now we have two little kids living with us and it is just two much work for me. I mean now I have to wake up early, get them up, fix breakfast, fix lunch, pick the one who goes to school up from school etc. So let me start from the beginning and explain how BAD this is. (I hate to complain cause the children needed help however I think this is very unfair)

So one of the guys who goes to our church has two boys 8 & 4. Well the two boys have two diff moms who are from another country and they are both unfit mothers. Well the guy moved to South Africa and brought the kids over to stay with him and his new girlfriend. Well he then married his new girlfriend and she has been mistreating his kids. They have a nanny who would send the 8 year old to school with two plane slices of bread for lunch and no breakfast. They would drop him off super early and not pick him up from school till it was dark. The 4yo was stuck in their town house all day, everyday. They were acting out in school and everything. They guy has a bit of a drinking problem and the stepmother is emotionally abusive to the kids. Well the dad beat the 4yo till he had marks on his body really bad. This was not the first time he had beat the kids. So this time my parents told him either they report him to the authorities and have the kids removed or they give him 6 months to go to counselling and get his act together etc etc. and the kids can stay with us.

OK now it was fine. I mean I really didn't want them but i thought OK we need to help them out. well hello our lives are not suited to children. My parents are all day. My dad from 6:30am and my mom from 8am till 5&4pm. So a lot of the burden falls on me. I have to make breakfast, lunches etc. The 4yo goes to our farm with my dad everyday but its still a lot of work. Then I have to come home and look after them and then cook dinner cause neither of my parents are home to do it. This is just not good. I mean I want to be a good person and do the right thing in helping these kids out. However I mean, this is all just a lot to take. I've gotten really used to only having to care for myself. I mean I do a lot of work around the house but I never had to make sure that I cooked cause if I didn't someone wouldn't eat. I mean we are all grown in this house. I'm the youngest and I'm 20! Hello!!!!!! I don't want to have the responsibility of another life who is completely dependent on me right now. If I wanted to have kids to be responsible of then I would have gone out and had sex and gotten prego!! But NO I didn't so why now am I forced to pay for my parents stupid choices and them being pastors. I don't want our house to be like 7th heaven where they keep taking in other ppls kids. It would be different if the kids were like 13-17!!! Then they can care for themselves but its not so I just have to live with it.

OK so now I'm gonna just have to pray to God to help me deal with all of this. OK I'll write again later, right now I need to go do some work.

HELP ME!!!!

I am in an emotional mess. I'm up at one in the morning cause I can't sleep. It's like I can't shut my brain off. So let me start at what happened today to make me stay up all night. Today Cathy's sister who happens to be my really great friend talked to me about this situation between me and her sister.

(Let me quickly tell that I have probably handled this situation all wrong but I thought it was good at the time. I don't actually know why Cathy is not speaking to me but I know the reason I'm not speaking to her is cause she tried to get me in trouble with my mom and then the CC directors. OK so I wasn't to impressed with her after the thing at the CC meeting but I still thought we were fine. Then her family came to visit so out of what I thought was respect I didn't call or anything. I mean I know that when your family is around and you are busy out of your mind the last thing your gonna do is go out with friends. So I didn't call. Well Then her family left like the day before CC camp and I mean that was it. She was acting really weird so I chose not to say anything until the whole my mom thing in the kitchen of the office. Then I was mad at her and we continued not to speak. I decided to ignore all and not say a word to her or anyone else about it. Then you know the whole thing at camp where we didn't speak, (did I tell everyone that she was on the phone crying for a while at camp one day, I don't know) Now 2 weeks after camp we still aren't talking. Every time we are around each other I don't say a word to her and when she comes to hug me I don't hug back. That is the end of it I mean I say bye to her and all but not like I used to. And let it be noted that for the past like year I felt that I was the one begging to be included into a friendship. I mean I was constantly calling her house and wanted to include her in every aspect of my life. Our phone bill showed just how much I was actually calling her house. I mean I felt that I was constantly hounding her and so I decided that I didn't need to be calling there all the time and I needed to take a break from hounding her. I mean she also has a phone. If she wanted to call me she could.)

( You know about 2 moths ago Cathy did say that she felt like she was not a part of my life to which I told her was crazy cause she knows all aspects of my life. I didn't pay any attention to it cause I tell her everything and there was very little that she didn't know. I mean I had long since decided not to tell my deepest emotions even to Cathy cause my emotions were everywhere and I didn't want anyone to think I was nutzo. Thus I started write thing s on my blog. )

About a month or so ago ( think a bit longer) Melissa told me that she needed to talk to me. So I asked her about what and she told me she couldn't talk to me in the office so we would have to do it later. I of course didn't think that it was a big deal and so I was like OK and didn't bring it up again for a while then I asked her like two or three more times what it was she needed to talk to me about and she always said that it wasn't the time to talk about it. SO of course with all the other things I have going on I simply forgot to ask again until today. Well I was sitting on the floor next to her desk talking to her and I remembered so I asked her and she said that it was to much of an emotional thing to talk about in the office. Then she started crying. So I said whats wrong and she said that we really weren't such good friends if i don't know what it is that she wants to talk about. And she said that of course it was serious and if I didn't even think to ask her again about it after she first told me.... ( i can't remember the exact words but it had something to do with how I should have realized that it was important and should have brought it up. I apologised and said I didn't know it was so serious and was this about Cathy. She said no it was not just about Cathy. It was about what I was doing to her whole family. Apparently the fact that Cathy and I aren't talking has affected everyone in their home. I did not know this. I mean my family doesn't work the same way theirs does.

Apparently Cathy has been bitterly crying this entire time. For like the whole time we have been friends she would not hang out with her family and not hang out with her other friends just to hang out with me so now she has no one. So of course I told Melissa that I never asked or told Cathy to do that. I mean I was the one who kept encouraging Cathy to get out of her house and do stuff and meet people. I told her she needed some friends her own age and to stop hanging out with no one but her parents, grandparents and their friends. So now she is isolated! I feel bad but I mean I didn't try to Isolate her. I have a slew of other friends to which I have tried to introduce her to and to which I hang out with without her and this is nothing new. Then Mel tells me that I should have known as Cathy's friend how upset she was at the fact that I was going out with three of the other members of youth every Friday night and she was not invited. To which i oh so angrily informed Mel that we all invited Cathy on numerous occasions. I mean on night we were standing in the parking lot deciding where to go and Cathy was coming with us and instead she decided to go get in the car with her parents who drove by. We invited her several times after that but she never could come. So I stopped asking and apparently so did everyon else. Well Melissa oh so nicely informed me that that deeply hurt Cathy that we didn't invite her and she felt like she had to beg to be involved in the friendship that we were creating. I didn't know that she felt like this.

OK so it continues. About what two months ago when one of the 3 people that I was hanging out with on Friday nights was having a birthday we (the 4 of us Friday nighters) were trying to decide what to do and I asked Cathy. I called her like 3 times in one day discussing what it was that we should do for his birthday. I mean I just assumed that she was gonna come with us. Then on the Saturday of his birthday I called her and asked her if she was coming and she said that she had a funeral she thought she was going to go to and didn't know. I said OK and then called her like 45 minutes before I was leaving to go hang out with the other people and she said that she wasn't coming. I dismissed this and just was like OK whatever. I mean I cant force someone to hang out with us. Mel has now informed me of Cathy's side. Apparently her dad heard me tell her on Friday night that the four of us were going to discuss what we were doing and I would inform her of what we decided. This very well probably did happen. I mean I don't remember but I prob said that. Cathy apparently felt really left out and depressed about that. I don't see anything wrong with what happened so I don't know.

I actually stopped inviting Cathy to alot of things. Every time my friends from class and I would go out I would invite her. She never ever ever came except once. One of my friends who is usually sitting right next to me when I invite Cathy to things finally told me "Why do u keep inviting her she never comes" and I realized that she was right. Thus I stoped inviting her. I didn't know that it was hurting her that I wasn't inviting her to things.

Mel also informed me that it has been hurting Cathy deeply that I have been making friends with the foursome and not including her. And that she feels that we (the Friday foursome) are laughing at her all the time. I don't know where she gets that notion from. I have never laughed at her with them. I mean when I laugh at her its usually with her.

Apparently I have hurt everyone in their family by this situation and maybe these are my true colors. I don't know what to say. I haven't treated her parents or her sister in any way shape or form different than I ever have before. But apparently I have, I didn't know that though. I feel very bad that they would think that way. And the fact that I seem to just be moving on with my life like this has not affected me in the least is rude and hurtful. I on the other hand have been seriously affected by this but I just don't show emotions. I keep smiling and keep up the appearance of normality cause what good is it gonna do anyone for me to mope around and invite people to ask me questions and then dump all this on someone else. Also apparently due to the fact that at church now ---- (one of the Friday foursome) and I are always together is hurting her. I can see how me not acting like something is wrong and me just keeping going and talking to other people while not talking to her made her feel that I was just moving on and cutting her out of my life. That is understandable but I don't show emotion easily and as my long time friend she knows this.

Now remember that the entire time we are talking Melissa is crying, I on the other hand have become a master of keeping my emotions inside and so not a tear shed from my eyes. I felt bad about this but I dont cry easily. However this conversation was crushing me inside. I dont want to hurt mel or anyone. AHAHAHAH!!!!!

This is the shortened version of the story. I left out some of the things Mel told me cause in the end they were more examples of home I have let everyone down and how I have hurt their family. OK so this entire story left me feeling confused. I mean I am sad that I hurt Cathy I had no idea that making friends with others was hurting her. What I understood from this was that Cathy feels that i should have no other friends. Its like she wants to isolate me to only be friends with her. Two of my close friends who also go to church with us told me about a year ago that Cathy has a big problem with friendship and that she treats people who get close to me meanly cause she doesn't like the fact that other people are friends with me. I don't know how to react to this. I apparently have a very big problem handling problems. I tend to simply try and deal with the problem internally and not speak to the person who has created the problem until I have dealt with it so that I don't do anything to hurt the other person. I need to learn a new way to deal with my issues. I'm still very confused and Mel told me to please not tell Cathy that we talked cause she doesn't want me to know that this whole thing has upset her. Well Hello how am I supposed to talk to her and not mention this stuff? But if I mention this stuff then she will know that I talked to Mel. What am I supposed to do now? I'm confused, upset and unable to talk to anyone about it.

OK here we go:

So I'm trying to figure out the minds of my male friends. They keep sending me funny signals and I don't know what to make of them. Maybe y'all can help me, Seeing as how this is my online diary and I feel no shame about letting everyone know my life I will write blatantly. I mean I want my life to be an open book, I think that its the people who are super quiet and hide things that are the ones who turn into wako's.

I know that there is an attraction between my one friend and I! I know that we like each other however he isn't making a move and thus neither am I. I am a strong believer in old fashioned chivalry! In my head all chivalry is NOT dead. So I refuse to act desperate and pathetic, which I AM NOT, and be the one to make the first move. This certain someone and I hang out a lot together with his best friend and a really good friend of mine. We are all excellent friends and love hanging out together however all four of us know that that He and I like each other. Every time we get together the other two try and hook us up. I am all for it I want to date him but I refuse to move until he does. So let me tell you what happened last night so I'm at his house and we are all talking and I told them this story about "how I got some advice about not worrying if certain people believe me or not that the only person who has to believe in me is my future husband." Well this special someones best friend says that the guy who gave me that advice is gay. I miss understood and thought he said that my husband was gay. Well my special someone got very vocal and was like "No! He is not gay! I bind those words..." He was so vocal that it was very shocking. But lets leave that, So after I got home I had told them I would call so I called them to talk to them. We were on and off the phone for like what an hour and a half. They told me how much they were gonna miss me when I left and then here comes the really weird confusing part:

They asked me a Q. The Q was: "If ----- (the special someone) was getting married would I stand up and object?" So I said "No, I mean if ---- chose that path for his life why would I want to break up his happiness and ruin his life"
So then they told me that if I was getting married to some random dude from Spain then they would stand up and object. They would stop my wedding from happening."
SO I said "Why would you two ruin my wedding day!?!?!? That is so mean"
SO they said: "No, That is not who God has for me and they don't want me marrying who I'm not supposed to" So I asked them "Who is it God has said or me to marry?"
And they said "Who do I think God has said for me to marry"
To Which I replied, "I don't know"
To Which they replied "Do you think you've met him yet?"
I said "I don't know"

This conversation is pretty much the standard norm for how things go when they are sending their funny signals. I mean they are on speaker phone what am I supposed to say. Even if they were not on speaker I have not clue what to say? Am I supposed to say "Yes, I've met him, I want to marry ---- and have lots of babies and tons of fun!!!" I mean honestly what do they want from me. But I will write more about my crazy life later. I've got to go clean my room and throw out a lot of work from last semester that I don't need for this coming semester!

Love

To whatever smart people who GOD gave the knowledge to create the Internet I give you my thanks.
The Internet is a great tool. I mean I am unable to write in a paper Diary and even if I was to write on my computer that is not safe. The Internet however is a great diary. The genius people who networked this whole world wide web I am forever in your debt :-)



I feel so much better today since I was able to unload the giant burden that was resting on not only my shoulders but my heart. However I still feel terrible, I'm still a bit upset and still a little hurt but I will get better. When you feel like you've hit rock bottom always remember that once your at the bottom you can only move up! So I'm just waiting to move on to a new level of happiness that I know must be coming.



I'm enjoying my life (drama excluded) and loving the fact that I have so many choices. I don't want to be one of those girls who sits by the phone and waits for a dude to call. Building up her emotions and eventually dropping when he doesn't call, but I think I already am. I think that I've allowed my heart to get to involved and I have been single for so long that Its not just the fact that I seriously like this dude that makes me want this to work but also the fact that I feel lonely. I mean I know I have some of the worlds best friends and there are just so many people in my life who are there for me but its sooooooo not the same. I mean I someone other than my parents and my silly billy friends to miss me and worry about me. But I'm learning that I'm gonna be OK, that I have to stand strong in myself and in who I am. I was listening to the radio on my way home today and I heard this song that said, "My, myself and I are the only ones I trust that I rely on me myself and I only." Well I decided that me, myself and God are gonna look out for me. I love my friends and I trust them however maybe if I do simply rely on me, myself and God I will end up feeling better after certain situations than I do now.



I want to move on to a better more light subject that is not so stressful. As I am writing this I am looking at the most beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and yellow lily's. I love lily's. Whenever I get married I want lily's in my hair and in my bouquet. I also want them in my house. As much as I have hate when flowers die and you have to throw them away I love having fresh flowers in my home. I've found myself writing poetry as of late. I decided that I needed to express myself and the oddest things seem to spark my ability to write. I also think I'm going to start painting. I'm able to sketch well but I've never actually painted anything, However I am gonna start. I'm going to a craft store as soon as I get my car back.

I've found that doing crafts relaxes me. Embroidery, sewing, knitting, scrapbooking, it all makes me feel really good. So I've decided to always stay busy. My class schedule for this semester is not so hectic cause I only have 3 classes however there are giant gaps in between my classes. Thus I have decided to leave my embroidery bag in the back of the car so that I always have something to do. And I'm saving all of what I do so that when I get married I have a whole hope chest filled with stuff. I've got embroidered baby onesies and hats and booties and pillowcases and I even beaded some baby blankets but I ha vent put them together cause It will be easier to transport them home if they are not padded and everything.

Well I will write soon with an update of my life. For now however I am fine.

(You know I once read a description about what the word fine actually stands for and I will never forget it cause it is really true in my life every time I say it. The saying went like this: "Fine stands for: Feelings Inside Not Expressed")

Love

OK so let me start from the top and vent my anger at all that has been going on in my life! I mean this is the entire reason I started the blog in the first place! I wanted a diary, an outlet for my pain. I can't write what I feel on paper cause the dear mother that I live with has a very bad tendency to read my diary so thus I write on the Internet! My mom and technology are not the greatest of friends!


So: I took 20 kids camping as part of Sunday School for 3 days!!!! That is where I should start but wait there is something else! You guys remember Cathy, Well she was like my best friend in the whole world. Well About a month ago we are at a CC meeting at I was really fed up with her cause she doesn't know how to be an adult! So on the drive home I told her she needs to make up her mind and decide if she is coming to camp or not... cause we are trying to plan and she keeps not making up her mind! (Oh wait let me quickly tell you that about 2 weeks before this we were not talking at all cause she made a very idiotic comment to me that shocked/angered me (due to its hypocritical essence) and hurt me cause I thought she was my friend! Well we sorted that out and she apologise cause she didn't realize what it was she had said! Again I pointed out to her that she is not acting like a grown up!! Boy time really does tell the truth in people) OK but back to the story. So after I told her to make up her mind she so flippantly told me that it was between her and the children's director not me!! OK really feel like kicking her out my car now!!! But anyway it was done I said nothing! Well then we really didn't talk much and then her family came and we didn't talk at all. I haven't spoken to her except simple greeting stuff....... NOW comes back to camp:

The day of camp her mom and her were at my parents office sewing her costume for opening night of camp cause there was no power at her house and my mom calls me into the office kitchen where Cathy, her mom and the bitch from hell( the worship leader of the church mind u) are sitting and my mom asks me who I told about something. Now not wanting to get anyone in trouble I tell her one person. I did tell this person but I also told another person whose name I didn't mention. So Cathy in Bitch mode says: Well ---- Called me and is very upset that Emily says that this thing is not happening. BITCH BITCH BITCH!! My mom tells me not to tell what is said in our house, apologises and that is it! I was so PISSED OFF! I was seeing red! But anyway we take the kids to camp and we don't speak one word to each other! I'm too busy making up the slack of some of the other teachers to worry about her load of crap! The kids were excited and there was so much work to do that I just ignored the fact that not only was she not talking to me but another teacher who I happen to like (in a romantic way)(a male teacher) is also not talking to me but is instead spending time in secret and in the dark with her. I ignore this, I may be crying buckets inside and want to just fall on a bed and have a good cry but I can't, 20 kids are depending on me to be Fun, Happy, Excited, Playful, Strong, Unhurt able Aunt Emily!!! OK so I bottle up my hurt and anger and get through camp! Which has a whole romantic tale that will one day soon be told!

Well Camp doesn't end with the end of camp..... The kids say Cathy and that certain male teacher in several compromising situations and even kissing! Well I have no reason to believe that my kids are lying! Why would they make that up? Knowing the two the way I do it is prob not true but you never know! I'm actually not hurt at this at all! I feel nothing about this which is very surprising for me but anyway... Well The kids tell me this and other kids tell other teachers this until all the teachers know what the kids have been saying except the two involved in the inappropriate behavior. Well I ask the male teacher about it and he says NO but whatever. I'm not talking to Cathy so that's the end of that but then she tried to get me into trouble again with crap at a teachers meeting we had! Seriously her true colors are starting to show and I don't like them! I'm very happy that I'm leaving in 6 months for Spain! Viva La Spain!

I went to youth meeting last night and wanted to cry it was so dull! I mean I'm not going to go anymore! I sent my mom an SMS about it during youth! I no longer have to go so I am no longer going! I just cant take this crap! But anyway! I'm thankful that while one friend has gone bonkers God has blessed me with another friend who is just amazing! She is helping me thru this stuff that I'm going thru with this dude and I honestly don't know what I would do without her! Jen if you read this you are a STAR!!! Now as for people at church I've decide that I'm not going to let anything they do harm me! My heart is being placed in a steel cage and will not be opened again to undeserving people! I've always known that I trust too easily, I'm one of those people who always wants to see the good in others and is searching for the fairytale ending not only in my own life but in the lives of those around me. From now on I suppose it is gonna have to be me and God against the world! I will no longer place my trust in people who have the ability to walk all over it!

Well I feel better! I've been needing to get all of this drama off my chest and the only person I can tell is Jen and even then I'm not so good at expressing my feelings. I try to help everyone else yet I don't want people to see how vulnerable I actually am, and I'm oh so publicly admitting it! I AM VULNERABLE!!! But I am working on trying not to be! Lets hope that I'm successful!

Love to the World

Have you ever had something great happen for one of your friends and it makes you want to cry! I mean your so excited and happy for them but you are completely angry that something similar isn't happening to you! Well I am in that boat right now! I look at so many of my friends that I graduated with or that graduated the year before me and they are moving on to lives that I look at and long for. Now I know I'm sounding crazy and alot of people think I'm jumping the gun but I'm not. What does the bible say...."no one knows the heart of a man but that man and God" well duh! But anyway I'll soon get over it!

OK so I'm a bit stressed but praying everyday to the Lord that I make it through exams. For those in college and for those that are finished.... OMG!!!! Its alot of work and hard work at that.

Anyway nothing is new on my horizon. My life is never boring its (this is me and two buddies) just not as interesting as I would like it to be. Its still church and school and more church and more school and then dance class of course! I'm really enjoying it. I feel so much sexier every time I leave class. Even though I leave sweaty! Hey we are into the advance stages of the Rumba and it is so sexual! I really need a partner! The rumba is the dance of love and if you don't know it was barred from dance competitions for a while. It is basically sex on the dance floor! Believe me I really want a dance partner who's hands I don't mind having on me!!! But that is neither here nor there! SO..... I've been uber busy lately and need all the prayer I can get to stay focused on my work! AHAHAH.....

Well I've decided to add some pics to this site! I know that I ha vent in a while but I think it will be good to let everyone who checks this site see some pics. However if you go to face book join and then search for me I will pop up and there are tons of pics there. But here is one of me and two of the munchkins from Children's Church and then here is one from dance competition Its me Jovana Linda and then a couple who competed! I didn't compete....cause....well.....you know..... I DON'T HAVE A PARTNER!!!!!! If anyone out there knows of a guy that wants to learn Latin ballroom dancing please give me a shout!

Ok so I know its been some time but I got hooked on facebook and was so busy checking that that I didnt update this blog!!! Ok so I'm in a pickel! I think that I'm in strong like and I dont know how to stop it! I dont know if Its love yet but he has told another that He could marry me! Oh My Gosh! Doesnt that just make you wanna scream! It makes me want to scream! Well I dont know what to do! We are supposed to go out some time next week so I will definatly tell all how it goes! Well I think I need to open up my heart and let love make its way in! What does the world think! Please let me know! Anyhow I'm fine! I've just finneshed catching up on all the work that I missed and now I'm trying to write an essay and study for a test that I have next week! Plus to add to the stress I have exams starting week after next! It makes me happy to see so many of my friends from high school doing so well and so happy! however it makes me sad cause I dont seem to be as happy as they are! Plus so many of them are married or getting married and I'm not close yet! I'm really praying that God brings him to me and I really want to get married in 2010! So pray for me! Anyway talk to everyone later......

Have you ever felt that worry that maybe you like a guy and he is just being nice to you. If you have ever been overweight and self conscious then you will probably know what I'm talking about. A guy will hang out with you, talk to you, be nice and you are slowly really starting to like him and then later find out that he was just being nice. Well I'm not really overweight anymore but I still get that feeling, in fact I have that feeling right now!!!!!

My stomach's in knots. I'm going through the stage of: "Does he like me or am I making something of nothing" Its nerve racking. So let me tell you all the whats up. Actually no let me not. What if he reads this and thinks I'm retarded. No rather let me tell you about dance class...... Oh did I not mention before .

I cant remember if I've written about it or not. I started taking Latin/ballroom dance lessons. They are tons of fun and last night I learned the TANGO!!! T-A-N-G-O!!!! That is my favorite dance so far. That and the Samba!!!

I feel so much more confident about myself. I know that that is really weird that a simple dance class can help a persons confidence but it is true. I feel more sexy and powerful in my body. To all of those who have'nt ever taken a dance class or think that they have two left feet, or feel crappy about themselves I recommend registering for a dance class. Hey its hard at first but once you get the hang of it its amazing. Hello I CAN DO THE SAMBA! And I look pretty damn sexy if I do say so myself!

I'm also busy working constantly to slim down. I like my body don't get me wrong but one of the main reasons I signed up to dance was to work out. I'm doing good to. Although I had a slip this week and went to bread ahead three times. That is sooooo not good. But on today March 1, 2007 I have sword off Bread Ahead and McDonald's. I'm not eating there for the entire month. And check how good I was this morning. As I was driving into the parking lot a lady from Bread Ahead was there handing out free pastries. I took it and then gave it to a friend of mine. I didn't eat one bite. YEAH!!! just be down right proud of me!!!

So that's my new deal.

Anyway. I've got to go

Its a new day.......

Yesterday Something happended that upset me greatly. A person whom I have thought of as a friend, made a statement that led me to think of him as not such a good friend. The first thing he said to me after hello, was "Your country is mad" When I asked him what he would have done differently about September 11th 2001 He said "America deserved what they got!" That made me greatly upset. I however acted like the adult and just walked away and set with other friends. I didnt even talk about it. (props to me, Wasnt I really mature) I am an American and proud to be one. Every choice that my governmet makes is not the greatest but what country is perfect? I do not feel that making light of a tragedy is a good thing. As an American even though I am one who didnt loose a family member I felt the pain. I believe that anyperson who feels the same as this guy is wrong. You are entitled to your opinion however please dont insult all Americans and make the lives of thoes lost unimportant.

Well that is my drop of drama for the day.
I hope by reading this someone will be affected in a good way.

OK so I want to say a big thank you to the geeks who have put a free file recovery service on the internet. I was sooooo super stupid that I deleted my pictures of my Cruise vacation from my computer. And when I say deleted I mean that I sent them to the recycle bin and then hit permenatly delete!!!!! AAAHAHAHAH !!!! I almost cried. Wait actually let me tell the truth. I did cry. I couldnt even sleep that night. I went to bed at like 11:30pm and was up and worried by 3am. It is not good to ever go to sleep with a heavy load on your head. You get no sleep and then wake up feeling horrid.

Anyway I realize that I never got arround to informing the world about my cruise vacation. The one I took with my mom was nice and quiet. No surprises. The one I took with my friend and her family was nutz!!! Lets just say that I did somethings that I would never normally do. I had fun but to a big extent. Anyway I'll tell all later. Got to run!!

Ok so lets see some pics shall we:
My friends Melissa and Cathy. We went to a wedding
Me and my mom at this cultural village place
Some friends at a wedding. Boy Duane's hand doesnt look like its in the right place!!!

Before we get to talking check out some pics of my nephew!!!

Ok so lets talk.

I've been back on campus for 5 days and I'm already tired. I decided to take dance lessons so that when I go to spain I dont look like a retarded blob on the dance floor. Dont get me wrong I can dance to like club music but when it comes to ballroom and latin I'm not so great. So I'm gonna take lessons but I dont have a partner and every place that I have called for lessons has informed me that they perfer for people to come as coupels. That doesnt make me feel great. I mean hello I dont want to be one of thoes women who define themselves by the fact that they have a man in their life or not. However society itself is trying to define me that way. The first or second question i get from people that doesnt have to do with my folks is if I have a special someone or not. Well Let me say that I am getting really sick of saying NOT!!! But other than that life is fine! I meet weird people everyday. Please answer me this though. Why is it that I keep getting hit on by the stupidest people who by the way I would never date. This man just came up to me now while i was...... never mind I've got to go.

Ok so I'm back in action! My life is going on as normal if my life can ever be considered normal. After my vacations I was nice and relaxed. Now that i'm back in class however I am in need of another vacation. and its only the 5th day back!!! Ok the pic above is of my friend Cathy and I at the dinner table on Tropical night. It was very odd cause alot of people didnt dress up.
We stood on the tip of the ship and let me tell you it was soooooo amazing. On my next blog post I will tell you all the fun I had on this ship. But remember what is read in a blog stays between the readers and the writer of the blog.
This is a another pic of us at the front of the ship. I think its cute.

Well lets give you a quick update on my friends and what not. One of my insaino friends has now decided to come out to the world that he is gay. Although we have all had our suspisions for a long time. I dont agree with people who are gay and lesbian because frankly I find it grosse but I'm his friend all the same. I still hold him in my heart. I wont treat him anydifferently although I know that some people who are Christians are down right evil to people who go against them. God didnt say condem people. He will punish people.



Lets see what else do I have to share with the world. One of my really good friends now has what I think is the sweetest boyfriend. It makes me so happy for her and kinda sad for myself but I will get over it I assure you. Well let me talk to all ya'll later

Ok so life is back in action! I went on two amazing vacations recently and had a blast. The second one was a crusie so I'm gonna upload pics of that for the world to see. Well lets chat. My life is very rarely dull let me tell you that. I am trying very hard to keep my normality while living with my mother!!! That in itself is a very hard thing to do. If you have ever met my mother you will understand. Recently at times I have been feeling extreemly sad! I dont know what it is. At first I thought lonleyness then I thought it was my period however neither of these explanations are correct. I dont know what it is.

But I woke up on Valentines morning with a new mood and am very happy to not be sad anymore. I kept getting these messages like "Wear black and boycott valentines" and "For all you lonley hearts come to a party and lets all get drunk" They drove me so mad that I finnaly decided to be HAPPY!!! SO I baked all my friends cookies and put them in little baggies with notes attatched to them that said: On today the world wide day of love, I am blessed to have lots of people to love. Not lovers but friends. So accept this very unconventional valentine from one friend to another. Love Emmy" I thought it was a good idea until one of my friends told me that i needed to get a boyfriend to share all my love with cause I have too much love to share with them and they dont deserve all the love I lavish on them. That seriously depressed me! Dude all her little speech did was make me feel lonley that I dont have a boyfriend.
However I have a new resolve to that. I am not gonna be like all thoes little nuts who wear no clothes and put themselves out there for guys. I'm gonna be myself, take pride in my apperance and wait till the right guy finds me!