So I did turn 21 somwhere in here. LOL before I changed my life, moved accross the ocean and went to Europe I turned 21. So here is a pic of that! I am such a vintage queen. LOL I love vintage movies, houses, paper, outfits... I love almost all of it. Thus I decided that I would throw a vintage hollywood themed birthday party. I made ppl dress in theme. Come dressed in vintage hollywood attire and I have some of the best friends cause they did! The night was a complete and utter blast cause I made them solve a mystery, answer trivia questions etc etc. I have never been big on those ppl who its their big day adn they sit on a pedestal and dont move and look down on ppl. LOL that is oh so not me. If anyone knows me, I hate to be the center of attention. However as it turns out i am always the center of attention cause I am just that much fun. LOL! My sister decided to come down for my party and to spend two weeks. I loved it. Now my sisters family can be very taxing but it was fun.

Moving on to the next step. Well turned 21 left a month and a tad later for a trip to Europe adn then after taht I left to go onto my new life. I moved to Virginia Beach.

So my life has drastically changed! It has changed for the better in all ways. However with all good comes some difficult ( I will not call it bad cause it is not bad, it just happens to be difficult for me to deal). I decided I really wanted to travel the world some more so I went on a tour of Europe. It was a blast and I have made some of the most amazing friends. That too this day I love them and talk to them. We have wonderful relationships.

I stood by faith and moved my life to Virginia Beach even before I had been excepted into the school that I was going to be going to . Eish what a challenge and an opportunity to stand by faith. It was such a testiment of how God works. Anyway after being excepted I went straight to work on my masters. I accomplished 9 credit hours in 3 weeks of internship. Eish a week a class. let me tell you that was NOT easy. I met some of the greatest ppl in the class though. They have become wonderful friends and family to me. So I am now in Virginia Beach all by myself. My friend Cathy from South Africa came to see me, she was in CA visiting her relatives. That was an interesting experience. I am so over the going out and getting drunk thing that it was very weird. She found a boyfriend and started dating this guy in the week she was here. OMG It was a whirlwind of drama and worry on my part. I love her to death but I was ready to go back to normal. Anyway after that drama and excitement, I took one week (which turned into two weeks) and spent some boding timewith my sister in STL. I loved it but spent way too much money.

Anyway after that happened I came back here to Virginia Beach to begin an unpaid internship in the public school system. Due to the time slot of that I had to start working at night to pay for stuff. I got really blessed and was hired in a longterm position in the school and now i am oh so blessed. just a blip on me now! Mwah

So a friend of mine sent this too me and I thought I'd fill it out on my blog! If I have done any of these things I placed an X by them.

Skipped school X
Watched someone die
Been to Canada X
Been to Europe X
Been to USA X
Been on a plane X
Been lost X
Been on the opposite side of the country X
Been to Washington Swam in the ocean X
Cried yourself to sleep X
Played cops and robbers
Recently coloured with crayons X
Sang Karaoke
Paid for a meal with coins only?
Done something you told yourself you would not do? X
Made prank phone calls X
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose? X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? X
Danced in the rain? X
Written a letter to Santa Claus X
Been kissed under the mistletoe?
Watched the sunrise with someone you care about?
Blown bubbles? X
Gone ice-skating? X
Been skinny dipping outdoors? X
Gone to the movies? X
Got a speeding ticket?

1. Any nickname? Em or Emmy
2. Favourite drink? Ameretto Stone Sour
3. Mother's name? Emma
4. Tattoo? NO but I want one (dont have the guts right now)

6. How much do you love your job? A WHOLE LOT
7. Birthplace? Little Rock, AR
8. Favourite vacation spot? Dont really have one yet
9. Ever been to Africa ? lived there for a season in my life
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? YES! Snickerdoodles
11. Ever been on Television? Nope
12. Ever steal any traffic sign? What for?
13. Ever been in a car accident? NOPE, Thank you Lord Above
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 door
15. Favourite salad dressing? Ranch
16. Favourite pie? Pumpkin or Apple
17. Favourite number? 8
18. Favourite movie? TOO MANY TO NAME THEM ALL:
19. Favourite Holiday ? Christmas, I think Its magical
20. Favourite Dessert? I'm a big cookie fan, dont like cake but do like apple pie!
21. Favourite food? Mexican!
22. Favourite day of the week? Everyday that I'm happy
23. Favourite brand of Body wash? Caress
24. Favourite toothpaste? COLGATE TOTAL
25. Favourite smell? Fresh baked bread, vanilla, cinnamon, clean laundry
26. What do you do to relax. Watch movies, read, play on the computer
27. How do you see yourself in 10 years Married, with kids, financially stable, loved

I think that this will let those out in the world of Cyberspace get to know Emily better! Mwah

Dear.......

I recently watched this movie (for the 5th or 6th time) and it seriously spoke to me. This movie was about four friends who hold a serious bond. I envied the bond in which they shared, I've never had friends like that, I've never had a bond like that. I've always wanted and needed friends like that but.... I mean the Bible says not 2B envious of others but is it that bad (wrong even) to not really be envious but rather to long for what they have without actually wanting it, to the point of stealing, murder etc. Well besides the bond/friendship that they portrayed in this movie, I discovered a lot about myself.

From the character of Lena, I discovered how much I actually hide the most special, amazing , beautiful parts of myself away, instead of showing them off. Through her I realized that I'm even more of a hopeless romantic than I thought. I found that I block ppl out from the deepest parts of who I am, even though I want to let certain ones in, but I'm far to afraid of the hurt and pain that may come as a result of opening up my heart.

From the character of Bridgett I saw the outward me, always energetic, always smiling, always wanting fun. But with Bridgett I also found that I act without thinking things through sometimes and then feel deep pain/embarrassment when it backfires. This character showed me that I present a lot of my fun side because I'm terrified to need anyone. I truly am scared of needing to rely on someone. It scares me to think of what it would be like to have someone who I could need and who needed me back in such a way as to want to protect me while not needing me to be their protector in return. If that makes any sense at all!!! I realized that I have a tendency to believe that things /events are being used by me to try and fill the void that I have deep within my soul. I try and make myself feel complete , cause I know I don't dare rely on another person to heal my internal wounds. From this character I took away a respect for the power of my inner strength.

From Tibby I learned to be unique. I know I am unique and that there is no one like me but my uniqueness is an attitude, a characteristic, Tibby's is an outward expression of her individuality. I mean this character has blue streaks in her hair. I learned through Tibby that maybe by linking all the excellent little things in my life together everything that worries me will turn out fine. I just have to get through all of the nonsense and power on and eventually I will find the happiness and completion I am longing for.

I truly identified with the character of Carmen. Well for starters she is not a size four! She like me is like a size 12/14. She is longing for acceptance into a world that she needs. I am like that! I allow people to walk all over me without an outward fight. I like her am being shredded to pieces inside but don't let it show to anyone so that while I'm actually crumbling on the inside, I like her am smiling and singing on the outside. As a trained psychologist I can see I have problems emotionally but Its hard to fix them or even work through them by myself. However as I've said I think i am truly unable to open up to anyone else. Carmen taught me to be happy about who I am even when I'm not excepted by others. Also I learned to push till the ones I need acceptance from either except me or I move on.

From all of these characters I learned that although things don't always happen the way we plan they will turn out OK!............... You know I know that it will be OK in the back of my head but sometimes my heart doesn't get the message and it aches.

OK so I'm better now.... I think. I mean I got over the Cathy thing and now we are talking just not like we used to but that's OK. However now I am experiencing a whole nother type of upset. I had just gotten over everything and was enjoying life when my parents decided to take in two little kids. Now we have two little kids living with us and it is just two much work for me. I mean now I have to wake up early, get them up, fix breakfast, fix lunch, pick the one who goes to school up from school etc. So let me start from the beginning and explain how BAD this is. (I hate to complain cause the children needed help however I think this is very unfair)

So one of the guys who goes to our church has two boys 8 & 4. Well the two boys have two diff moms who are from another country and they are both unfit mothers. Well the guy moved to South Africa and brought the kids over to stay with him and his new girlfriend. Well he then married his new girlfriend and she has been mistreating his kids. They have a nanny who would send the 8 year old to school with two plane slices of bread for lunch and no breakfast. They would drop him off super early and not pick him up from school till it was dark. The 4yo was stuck in their town house all day, everyday. They were acting out in school and everything. They guy has a bit of a drinking problem and the stepmother is emotionally abusive to the kids. Well the dad beat the 4yo till he had marks on his body really bad. This was not the first time he had beat the kids. So this time my parents told him either they report him to the authorities and have the kids removed or they give him 6 months to go to counselling and get his act together etc etc. and the kids can stay with us.

OK now it was fine. I mean I really didn't want them but i thought OK we need to help them out. well hello our lives are not suited to children. My parents are all day. My dad from 6:30am and my mom from 8am till 5&4pm. So a lot of the burden falls on me. I have to make breakfast, lunches etc. The 4yo goes to our farm with my dad everyday but its still a lot of work. Then I have to come home and look after them and then cook dinner cause neither of my parents are home to do it. This is just not good. I mean I want to be a good person and do the right thing in helping these kids out. However I mean, this is all just a lot to take. I've gotten really used to only having to care for myself. I mean I do a lot of work around the house but I never had to make sure that I cooked cause if I didn't someone wouldn't eat. I mean we are all grown in this house. I'm the youngest and I'm 20! Hello!!!!!! I don't want to have the responsibility of another life who is completely dependent on me right now. If I wanted to have kids to be responsible of then I would have gone out and had sex and gotten prego!! But NO I didn't so why now am I forced to pay for my parents stupid choices and them being pastors. I don't want our house to be like 7th heaven where they keep taking in other ppls kids. It would be different if the kids were like 13-17!!! Then they can care for themselves but its not so I just have to live with it.

OK so now I'm gonna just have to pray to God to help me deal with all of this. OK I'll write again later, right now I need to go do some work.

HELP ME!!!!

I am in an emotional mess. I'm up at one in the morning cause I can't sleep. It's like I can't shut my brain off. So let me start at what happened today to make me stay up all night. Today Cathy's sister who happens to be my really great friend talked to me about this situation between me and her sister.

(Let me quickly tell that I have probably handled this situation all wrong but I thought it was good at the time. I don't actually know why Cathy is not speaking to me but I know the reason I'm not speaking to her is cause she tried to get me in trouble with my mom and then the CC directors. OK so I wasn't to impressed with her after the thing at the CC meeting but I still thought we were fine. Then her family came to visit so out of what I thought was respect I didn't call or anything. I mean I know that when your family is around and you are busy out of your mind the last thing your gonna do is go out with friends. So I didn't call. Well Then her family left like the day before CC camp and I mean that was it. She was acting really weird so I chose not to say anything until the whole my mom thing in the kitchen of the office. Then I was mad at her and we continued not to speak. I decided to ignore all and not say a word to her or anyone else about it. Then you know the whole thing at camp where we didn't speak, (did I tell everyone that she was on the phone crying for a while at camp one day, I don't know) Now 2 weeks after camp we still aren't talking. Every time we are around each other I don't say a word to her and when she comes to hug me I don't hug back. That is the end of it I mean I say bye to her and all but not like I used to. And let it be noted that for the past like year I felt that I was the one begging to be included into a friendship. I mean I was constantly calling her house and wanted to include her in every aspect of my life. Our phone bill showed just how much I was actually calling her house. I mean I felt that I was constantly hounding her and so I decided that I didn't need to be calling there all the time and I needed to take a break from hounding her. I mean she also has a phone. If she wanted to call me she could.)

( You know about 2 moths ago Cathy did say that she felt like she was not a part of my life to which I told her was crazy cause she knows all aspects of my life. I didn't pay any attention to it cause I tell her everything and there was very little that she didn't know. I mean I had long since decided not to tell my deepest emotions even to Cathy cause my emotions were everywhere and I didn't want anyone to think I was nutzo. Thus I started write thing s on my blog. )

About a month or so ago ( think a bit longer) Melissa told me that she needed to talk to me. So I asked her about what and she told me she couldn't talk to me in the office so we would have to do it later. I of course didn't think that it was a big deal and so I was like OK and didn't bring it up again for a while then I asked her like two or three more times what it was she needed to talk to me about and she always said that it wasn't the time to talk about it. SO of course with all the other things I have going on I simply forgot to ask again until today. Well I was sitting on the floor next to her desk talking to her and I remembered so I asked her and she said that it was to much of an emotional thing to talk about in the office. Then she started crying. So I said whats wrong and she said that we really weren't such good friends if i don't know what it is that she wants to talk about. And she said that of course it was serious and if I didn't even think to ask her again about it after she first told me.... ( i can't remember the exact words but it had something to do with how I should have realized that it was important and should have brought it up. I apologised and said I didn't know it was so serious and was this about Cathy. She said no it was not just about Cathy. It was about what I was doing to her whole family. Apparently the fact that Cathy and I aren't talking has affected everyone in their home. I did not know this. I mean my family doesn't work the same way theirs does.

Apparently Cathy has been bitterly crying this entire time. For like the whole time we have been friends she would not hang out with her family and not hang out with her other friends just to hang out with me so now she has no one. So of course I told Melissa that I never asked or told Cathy to do that. I mean I was the one who kept encouraging Cathy to get out of her house and do stuff and meet people. I told her she needed some friends her own age and to stop hanging out with no one but her parents, grandparents and their friends. So now she is isolated! I feel bad but I mean I didn't try to Isolate her. I have a slew of other friends to which I have tried to introduce her to and to which I hang out with without her and this is nothing new. Then Mel tells me that I should have known as Cathy's friend how upset she was at the fact that I was going out with three of the other members of youth every Friday night and she was not invited. To which i oh so angrily informed Mel that we all invited Cathy on numerous occasions. I mean on night we were standing in the parking lot deciding where to go and Cathy was coming with us and instead she decided to go get in the car with her parents who drove by. We invited her several times after that but she never could come. So I stopped asking and apparently so did everyon else. Well Melissa oh so nicely informed me that that deeply hurt Cathy that we didn't invite her and she felt like she had to beg to be involved in the friendship that we were creating. I didn't know that she felt like this.

OK so it continues. About what two months ago when one of the 3 people that I was hanging out with on Friday nights was having a birthday we (the 4 of us Friday nighters) were trying to decide what to do and I asked Cathy. I called her like 3 times in one day discussing what it was that we should do for his birthday. I mean I just assumed that she was gonna come with us. Then on the Saturday of his birthday I called her and asked her if she was coming and she said that she had a funeral she thought she was going to go to and didn't know. I said OK and then called her like 45 minutes before I was leaving to go hang out with the other people and she said that she wasn't coming. I dismissed this and just was like OK whatever. I mean I cant force someone to hang out with us. Mel has now informed me of Cathy's side. Apparently her dad heard me tell her on Friday night that the four of us were going to discuss what we were doing and I would inform her of what we decided. This very well probably did happen. I mean I don't remember but I prob said that. Cathy apparently felt really left out and depressed about that. I don't see anything wrong with what happened so I don't know.

I actually stopped inviting Cathy to alot of things. Every time my friends from class and I would go out I would invite her. She never ever ever came except once. One of my friends who is usually sitting right next to me when I invite Cathy to things finally told me "Why do u keep inviting her she never comes" and I realized that she was right. Thus I stoped inviting her. I didn't know that it was hurting her that I wasn't inviting her to things.

Mel also informed me that it has been hurting Cathy deeply that I have been making friends with the foursome and not including her. And that she feels that we (the Friday foursome) are laughing at her all the time. I don't know where she gets that notion from. I have never laughed at her with them. I mean when I laugh at her its usually with her.

Apparently I have hurt everyone in their family by this situation and maybe these are my true colors. I don't know what to say. I haven't treated her parents or her sister in any way shape or form different than I ever have before. But apparently I have, I didn't know that though. I feel very bad that they would think that way. And the fact that I seem to just be moving on with my life like this has not affected me in the least is rude and hurtful. I on the other hand have been seriously affected by this but I just don't show emotions. I keep smiling and keep up the appearance of normality cause what good is it gonna do anyone for me to mope around and invite people to ask me questions and then dump all this on someone else. Also apparently due to the fact that at church now ---- (one of the Friday foursome) and I are always together is hurting her. I can see how me not acting like something is wrong and me just keeping going and talking to other people while not talking to her made her feel that I was just moving on and cutting her out of my life. That is understandable but I don't show emotion easily and as my long time friend she knows this.

Now remember that the entire time we are talking Melissa is crying, I on the other hand have become a master of keeping my emotions inside and so not a tear shed from my eyes. I felt bad about this but I dont cry easily. However this conversation was crushing me inside. I dont want to hurt mel or anyone. AHAHAHAH!!!!!

This is the shortened version of the story. I left out some of the things Mel told me cause in the end they were more examples of home I have let everyone down and how I have hurt their family. OK so this entire story left me feeling confused. I mean I am sad that I hurt Cathy I had no idea that making friends with others was hurting her. What I understood from this was that Cathy feels that i should have no other friends. Its like she wants to isolate me to only be friends with her. Two of my close friends who also go to church with us told me about a year ago that Cathy has a big problem with friendship and that she treats people who get close to me meanly cause she doesn't like the fact that other people are friends with me. I don't know how to react to this. I apparently have a very big problem handling problems. I tend to simply try and deal with the problem internally and not speak to the person who has created the problem until I have dealt with it so that I don't do anything to hurt the other person. I need to learn a new way to deal with my issues. I'm still very confused and Mel told me to please not tell Cathy that we talked cause she doesn't want me to know that this whole thing has upset her. Well Hello how am I supposed to talk to her and not mention this stuff? But if I mention this stuff then she will know that I talked to Mel. What am I supposed to do now? I'm confused, upset and unable to talk to anyone about it.

OK here we go:

So I'm trying to figure out the minds of my male friends. They keep sending me funny signals and I don't know what to make of them. Maybe y'all can help me, Seeing as how this is my online diary and I feel no shame about letting everyone know my life I will write blatantly. I mean I want my life to be an open book, I think that its the people who are super quiet and hide things that are the ones who turn into wako's.

I know that there is an attraction between my one friend and I! I know that we like each other however he isn't making a move and thus neither am I. I am a strong believer in old fashioned chivalry! In my head all chivalry is NOT dead. So I refuse to act desperate and pathetic, which I AM NOT, and be the one to make the first move. This certain someone and I hang out a lot together with his best friend and a really good friend of mine. We are all excellent friends and love hanging out together however all four of us know that that He and I like each other. Every time we get together the other two try and hook us up. I am all for it I want to date him but I refuse to move until he does. So let me tell you what happened last night so I'm at his house and we are all talking and I told them this story about "how I got some advice about not worrying if certain people believe me or not that the only person who has to believe in me is my future husband." Well this special someones best friend says that the guy who gave me that advice is gay. I miss understood and thought he said that my husband was gay. Well my special someone got very vocal and was like "No! He is not gay! I bind those words..." He was so vocal that it was very shocking. But lets leave that, So after I got home I had told them I would call so I called them to talk to them. We were on and off the phone for like what an hour and a half. They told me how much they were gonna miss me when I left and then here comes the really weird confusing part:

They asked me a Q. The Q was: "If ----- (the special someone) was getting married would I stand up and object?" So I said "No, I mean if ---- chose that path for his life why would I want to break up his happiness and ruin his life"
So then they told me that if I was getting married to some random dude from Spain then they would stand up and object. They would stop my wedding from happening."
SO I said "Why would you two ruin my wedding day!?!?!? That is so mean"
SO they said: "No, That is not who God has for me and they don't want me marrying who I'm not supposed to" So I asked them "Who is it God has said or me to marry?"
And they said "Who do I think God has said for me to marry"
To Which I replied, "I don't know"
To Which they replied "Do you think you've met him yet?"
I said "I don't know"

This conversation is pretty much the standard norm for how things go when they are sending their funny signals. I mean they are on speaker phone what am I supposed to say. Even if they were not on speaker I have not clue what to say? Am I supposed to say "Yes, I've met him, I want to marry ---- and have lots of babies and tons of fun!!!" I mean honestly what do they want from me. But I will write more about my crazy life later. I've got to go clean my room and throw out a lot of work from last semester that I don't need for this coming semester!

Love

To whatever smart people who GOD gave the knowledge to create the Internet I give you my thanks.
The Internet is a great tool. I mean I am unable to write in a paper Diary and even if I was to write on my computer that is not safe. The Internet however is a great diary. The genius people who networked this whole world wide web I am forever in your debt :-)



I feel so much better today since I was able to unload the giant burden that was resting on not only my shoulders but my heart. However I still feel terrible, I'm still a bit upset and still a little hurt but I will get better. When you feel like you've hit rock bottom always remember that once your at the bottom you can only move up! So I'm just waiting to move on to a new level of happiness that I know must be coming.



I'm enjoying my life (drama excluded) and loving the fact that I have so many choices. I don't want to be one of those girls who sits by the phone and waits for a dude to call. Building up her emotions and eventually dropping when he doesn't call, but I think I already am. I think that I've allowed my heart to get to involved and I have been single for so long that Its not just the fact that I seriously like this dude that makes me want this to work but also the fact that I feel lonely. I mean I know I have some of the worlds best friends and there are just so many people in my life who are there for me but its sooooooo not the same. I mean I someone other than my parents and my silly billy friends to miss me and worry about me. But I'm learning that I'm gonna be OK, that I have to stand strong in myself and in who I am. I was listening to the radio on my way home today and I heard this song that said, "My, myself and I are the only ones I trust that I rely on me myself and I only." Well I decided that me, myself and God are gonna look out for me. I love my friends and I trust them however maybe if I do simply rely on me, myself and God I will end up feeling better after certain situations than I do now.



I want to move on to a better more light subject that is not so stressful. As I am writing this I am looking at the most beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and yellow lily's. I love lily's. Whenever I get married I want lily's in my hair and in my bouquet. I also want them in my house. As much as I have hate when flowers die and you have to throw them away I love having fresh flowers in my home. I've found myself writing poetry as of late. I decided that I needed to express myself and the oddest things seem to spark my ability to write. I also think I'm going to start painting. I'm able to sketch well but I've never actually painted anything, However I am gonna start. I'm going to a craft store as soon as I get my car back.

I've found that doing crafts relaxes me. Embroidery, sewing, knitting, scrapbooking, it all makes me feel really good. So I've decided to always stay busy. My class schedule for this semester is not so hectic cause I only have 3 classes however there are giant gaps in between my classes. Thus I have decided to leave my embroidery bag in the back of the car so that I always have something to do. And I'm saving all of what I do so that when I get married I have a whole hope chest filled with stuff. I've got embroidered baby onesies and hats and booties and pillowcases and I even beaded some baby blankets but I ha vent put them together cause It will be easier to transport them home if they are not padded and everything.

Well I will write soon with an update of my life. For now however I am fine.

(You know I once read a description about what the word fine actually stands for and I will never forget it cause it is really true in my life every time I say it. The saying went like this: "Fine stands for: Feelings Inside Not Expressed")

Love